The Ache of Longing: When Grief Holds What Could Have Been

A dandelion against a pink and blue sky, evoking reflection, hope and wistful grief.

Introduction

Longing is a quiet ache that can live beneath many forms of loss. It is the part of grief that imagines what might have been, that reaches for a future that never arrived, or a past that feels too far away to touch.

Unlike sadness, which has shape and expression, longing can feel endless - a feeling without closure. It can visit you in quiet moments, in dreams, in the small pauses of everyday life. Longing reminds us of how deeply we have loved, hoped, or belonged. But it can also remind us of what feels missing.

This yearning can take many forms, depending on the loss or life change we have faced.

Longing for what was lost

For those who have experienced baby loss or childlessness, longing may be the deepest ache of all - a longing to hold your child in your arms, to see them grow, to imagine who they might have become. It is a love that has nowhere to go, and yet it continues to live quietly in your heart.

During menopause, longing can take the shape of missing the person you once were - the version of yourself who felt energetic, certain, or at ease in her body. There can be grief for fertility, for youth, or simply for the sense of familiarity within yourself. It is not vanity but mourning for a life stage that has passed.

For those facing an empty nest, longing often settles in the silence. It is a yearning for the everyday noise that once filled the home - the laughter, the chaos, the presence of your children before they became adults. Even pride in their independence can sit alongside a quiet wish for one more day of what was.

And when it comes to pet loss, longing can appear in the smallest of moments: the sound of paws that never come, the instinct to reach for a lead, the stillness where companionship once lived. The absence may be invisible to others, but its presence is felt in every corner of home.

Longing for what could have been

Some forms of grief are not about what was lost, but what was never realised. With chronic illness or ill health, longing may arise for the life you once had or imagined - the freedom to move, to work, to travel, to live without pain or limitation. It can feel like a slow grieving process for the version of life that illness has changed.

With estrangement, longing can feel especially complex. There may be a yearning for connection, reconciliation, or simply to be understood. Yet at the same time, there can be anger, disappointment, or the knowledge that reunion may not be possible or safe. Longing here often lives side by side with acceptance - an uneasy but human coexistence.

For those navigating retirement, longing might surface in unexpected ways. It can be a yearning for purpose, structure, or recognition - for the sense of being needed or valued. The change can bring space and freedom, yet also a quiet ache for the role or identity that once gave life shape.

And following divorce, longing often holds memories of love and shared dreams. Even when separation was necessary, there may still be moments of missing - not necessarily the person, but the companionship, the idea of what might have been, or the version of yourself that existed within that relationship.

The quiet presence of longing

Longing rarely leaves completely. It softens over time, but it can reappear in surprising ways - a song, a photograph, a smell, a particular time of year. It is the thread that connects us to love, hope, and memory.

In counselling, longing often emerges as something that cannot be “solved” but can be understood. By giving it space, it can transform from a constant ache into a quieter, more integrated presence - one that coexists with gratitude and meaning.

Sometimes the work is not about letting go of longing, but about learning to live alongside it - recognising that it speaks to your capacity to love and to dream.

How counselling can help

Counselling offers a place to explore the many shapes that longing can take. It can help you:

• Make sense of the emotions that arise when life does not look as you expected.

• Find compassion for the parts of yourself that still ache for what was or might have been.

• Develop ways to honour your memories and hopes without being consumed by them.

• Rebuild meaning and identity when life feels unfamiliar.

Through gentle exploration, counselling can help you find steadiness in the space between loss and possibility - where longing softens, and new beginnings quietly take root.

In closing

Longing is not a weakness. It is a sign of your capacity to love deeply, to hope fiercely, and to imagine a life full of meaning. Though it may ache, it also connects you to what matters most.

In time, longing can become less of a wound and more of a whisper - a reminder of love, life, and the many ways the heart continues to reach for connection, even in the face of loss.

About the author:

Samantha Cooke is an integrative counsellor based in Ascot, Berkshire. She supports adults (18+) who are adjusting to life’s unexpected changes - from relationship losses and family estrangement to childlessness or retirement. Samantha offers a calm and supportive space where clients can explore their emotions, rediscover stability, and move forward with renewed confidence.

Contact Samantha here: CONTACT | Samantha Cooke