This blog expands on an excerpt from my article, ‘Lost in Transition: Coping with Life’s Big Changes,’ originally published by Counselling Directory. You can find the full article here
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Introduction
We’re constantly told that life is a rollercoaster full of ups and downs, twists and turns, suggesting a fast-paced and thrilling ride with constant motion. But what happens when the rollercoaster carriage grinds to a halt? When the track ahead diverts towards an unexpected direction? Or worse still, seemingly disappears completely?
The ride that has brought joy, disappointment, excitement, frustration, contentment, and anxiety suddenly takes on a new, terrifying form. After the initial shock starts to fade, sorrow, loneliness, and hopelessness set in. What is this new landscape you’ve found yourself in? How can you make sense of it? Better yet, how can you get out of it and find your way back to how things were before?
In this article, I explore how life transitions can shake the foundations of our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. I will explain how grief and loss stretch beyond bereavement and impact many of us during the course of our lives, even when we don’t realise it. Finally, I will explore what we can learn when we listen to grief and the lessons it has to offer us.
Navigating Life Transitions
We all experience life transitions; the very essence of being human involves evolving through different stages from infancy to elderhood, each bringing its own unique changes and challenges. We grow up with certain aspirations and goals, and as we pursue these, we encounter various significant milestones that reshape our lives and challenge our sense of stability.
Leaving home, going to university, starting new relationships, changing jobs, and aspiring to start a family are all pivotal moments. Later in life, transitions continue as we look forward to retiring and enjoying a slower pace of life. Each of these transitions brings its own set of emotions and adjustments, highlighting the constant flux of our human experience.
But what happens when the sands of our landscape shift and we experience life transitions we didn't account for? Job loss or career setbacks can abruptly change our financial stability and professional identity. Serious and chronic health conditions challenge our sense of physical and emotional well-being, altering daily routines and future plans. Divorce, infertility, and childlessness are stark realities that reshape our expectations of family and future. Relocation to a new city or country can disrupt social connections and cultural familiarity, leaving us feeling isolated and adrift.
These transitions, often unseen or misunderstood by others, can evoke profound feelings of loss and grief, yet they may go unrecognised or unacknowledged in society. Unexpected life transitions trigger a range of emotional and psychological responses: anxiety often accompanies uncertainty about the future, sadness may arise from what we have lost (whether tangible or not), while self-doubt and questioning of one's abilities can emerge as we navigate unfamiliar territory.
Recognising Disenfranchised Grief
When discussing grief, many people primarily associate it with bereavement—the loss of an individual to death. However, grief encompasses a wider spectrum of loss experiences. As humans, we have the capacity to encounter loss in various forms, such as the end of a significant relationship, the loss of a job, or unacknowledged personal losses.
Disenfranchised grief occurs when we experience a significant loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. This lack of recognition can leave us feeling unsupported, misunderstood, or unable to openly express our grief, which complicates the grieving process and delays healing.
Situations that might lead to disenfranchised grief include the loss of a job, retirement, the end of a non-marital relationship, infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a pet, or experiences of trauma that others may not recognise as significant.
The emotional impact of disenfranchised grief is profound. It often triggers feelings of isolation, sadness, anger, and a deep sense of injustice or unfairness. These emotions stem from the lack of societal recognition and validation of one's loss, leaving us to navigate our grief alone. Humans evolved as social beings reliant on belonging to tribes for emotional safety and survival. This need for belonging remains crucial in modern life, where a sense of community and acceptance provides emotional support and stability. Disenfranchised grief disrupts this natural need for connection, exacerbating feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can lead to a struggle for closure, persistent feelings of longing, and difficulty in finding meaning from the loss. Without societal acknowledgment, we may question our own grief experience and our place in society, impacting our overall wellbeing and sense of self.
Feeling Lost: The Impact on Identity
Perhaps the most profound loss we can experience in life is the loss of self—the death of who we thought we were or the person we aspired to become. When we lose ourselves, how do we rediscover our identity?
Feeling lost is often deeply rooted in losing our sense of identity and future aspirations. For example, losing a corporate career can strip away not just a job but also the status and identity associated with it. Similarly, experiencing childlessness can shatter dreams of parenthood and the identity intertwined with that role. Uncertainty about the future and a perceived lack of control exacerbate these feelings, leading to anxiety and emotional distress as we grapple with questioning our roles, values, and sense of self in the face of profound change.
Social expectations exert a powerful influence on how we perceive and navigate life transitions. The pressure to quickly adapt or move on can be overwhelming, especially when we’re deep in grief that isn't recognised or validated by others. The deafening silence surrounding unacknowledged grief intensifies feelings of isolation and alienation. Societal norms often dictate expected timelines for recovery or adaptation, which may clash with our need for time and space to process emotions. This disparity can heighten feelings of inadequacy or failure, further complicating the journey of navigating significant life changes.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow aptly captured the essence of unspoken grief with his quote: "There is no grief like the grief that does not speak." This highlights how the pain of grief intensifies when it cannot be openly expressed or shared. Unspoken grief, remaining hidden or suppressed, weighs heavily on us, fostering a sense of burden and isolation amidst our struggles.
Conclusion: The Path Forward
Navigating life's transitions and the accompanying grief, especially disenfranchised grief, is challenging. Recognising and validating these experiences is the first step toward healing. By giving ourselves permission to grieve and seeking support, we can begin to process our emotions and find ways to cope.
In my next blog, I will delve into specific coping strategies to help you move forward. These strategies will cover a range of approaches, from practical steps to emotional and psychological tools, designed to support you through your unique grief journey. We will explore how to rebuild your identity, find new sources of meaning, and create a fulfilling life even after experiencing significant loss. Together, we can learn to honor our grief, find hope, and rebuild our lives with intention and compassion.
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